Today has been a tough one. Life in a pandemic is oddly like my worst days of being chronically ill. The fact that this virus uses “stealth transmission” really scares me. It was always such a given that if you feel good you won’t get others sick and now that safety net is gone forever. Life’s little hopes and “benefit of the doubt’s” that I’ve held onto during my darkest times are proving to be fantasies I told myself because I didn’t want to believe humanity was in the state it was actually in. I was living with my head in the sand.
I’m struggling lately to find the line between what treatment is acceptable. Am I really supposed to understand and accept that my employer really DOES look at me as just a replaceable asset? Someone could walk in off the street and learn my position. My leadership team is saying often how they want a cohesive family environment where we look out for each other and look at those we spend more time with than our actual family’s as a second family, but then treat us as nothing when life happens. I’m not sure that makes sense, but the TLDR version is my job did a good job making me believe they cared about me as a whole. They’ve made it clear exactly what they think of us through this pandemic.
I miss my family. I desperately want a hug and visit with my mom and Grandma. I wanted that more than anything when I was getting away with working from home. I’ve come so close to losing my mom recently, and my Grandma is 85! I’m not stupid, I know my days are numbered with them. I know my heartbreak after losing my Grandpa as he was my father figure and role-model. I don’t know what I’ll do without my mothers.
Sorry this post is such a whiny complaint. I don’t have people to really talk to that don’t just tell me to look at my blessings. I’m grateful for my blessings. I’m not grateful of being taken for granted. I’m not grateful for being tricked into thinking someone cares only to find they care about the benefit I provide and not what it takes to give them the benefits I provide. I just want to be valued. I want to value myself. I want to trust myself and know what I’m deserving of. I don’t want to be damaged anymore. I’m broken. I’m grateful. I’m courageous. I’m exhausted. I’m scared. I’m just rambling now, so I guess I’ll go. If you feel like me, feel free to drop me a comment and we can talk this stuff out. You are NOT alone. This is a peek into my struggle so that you know someone out there RELATES to you. To those thoughts you don’t wish to admit you have.
PS: Yes, you can be a badass leader and at the same time feel a certain way (or like me). You WILL survive this war and you’ll look back someday and think wow…I accomplished this. I am stronger than I realize. But to appreciate that, you have to admit that at one point you were weak and you worked your ass off to get there. Be proud of the journey.