A blessing or a curse?

“There is no reality, only perception. Identify the filters through which you view YOUR world.” – Unknown

Many people absolutely love and feel entitled to discussing my weight. Personally, it’s one of the main things that attack my self esteem. I don’t often share in the body positivity they assume I have since I, “have the problem everyone wishes to have.” My BMI is under 16 to share insight on how to picture my frame of whatever image you have in your head I look like. Isn’t that ironic, that you read a blog you have zero idea of the author’s image, and yet you have an idea of what I look like based off your experiences in life? I wonder how close you are to the truth..

I’ve worked very hard to try to keep weight on, but lately it just melts off. Due to my age (I’m under 30), doctors are often perplexed by my complaints. I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I have an eating disorder, or that I can’t be as sick as they’ve seen/I claim because my system should be in prime condition, they’ve told me I must be a drug addict regardless of how many negative drug tests they get back whenever I go in to try to get help. I’m always fatigued, I’m never hungry but I am always eating. I’ve tried doing the opposite of what everyone in the mainstream sector advises about losing weight, and I keep losing! My lab results always come back “just within range” so they’re telling me there’s nothing they can do or pinpoint.

My health has always been somewhat of an anomaly. My regular temperature is 97.3, my resting heart rate is in the 80’s (active is normal though), I have Reynauds Phenomenon but not lupus. It’s always a challenge when I go in to see a doctor, and they always think I’ve been googling my symptoms to decide to go in, when I only choose to go in when I can’t take them anymore. The nausea is daily, and worse than any morning sickness I’ve had. This leads me to over exerting and exasperating my symptoms just to get through the day so I can afford to go see a doctor again. It’s an awful rotation.

I’ve all but given up the last week or so. I’m so low I don’t know where to turn or why I keep fighting on. If nobody cares that I get quality of life, why should I care to live. I don’t want to only survive my way through life.

I’m trying though…

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