A Blessing and a Curse..

At times it’s difficult to discern sympathy from codependency. A desire to shield those I love from pain is a deep, deep conviction. Anyone I care about I strive to protect from any negativity. I build people up, I’m not made to be able to tear someone down. I’ve been the mediator more times than I can count, in more situations than most would deem appropriate. I took a test called “Strengths Finder” by Gallup. My top 5 strengths are centered around positivity, relatability, and restoration. I refill my soul by helping others.

Those closest to me have taken advantage of that. I’ve been taken advantage of by my father, my husband, my best friend(s), my in-laws, my Supervisor(s). I’ve been abused, molested, and degraded for a minimum wage job, and when I told someone to try to protect that particular boss’ new target, I was told that I wasn’t trustworthy enough to believe given the fact my abuser had made the company so much money, and I was too honest with the customers causing them to shop elsewhere. Ironic am I right? This must’ve been a situation I was supposed to learn from, because at my very next position, I was a witness to it happening to one of my own direct reports. My next level manager, beat and coerced my employee into having sex and sending nudes. I was able to advocate for her because that manager was dumb enough to text about the disgusting faux pas he’d engaged in. Do you want to know what happened when I told his boss, the company’s Vice President about it? NOTHING. We (the victim and I) were told, “as a regional manager he would never participate in such behavior. You little white girls LIVE to ruin men like him. Take your accusations and supposed proof and leave to collect your thoughts for today. You tell ME if you’ll be back to work or not.” She kept her position, I reported to other sites I was investigating and left. They (offender and VP) called to tell me that obviously someone lied about the occurrence because she decided to stay and what idiot would do that? An idiot desperate for money!

I would’ve done ANYTHING to prove those indiscretions. I would’ve testified in any deposition or trial. I would’ve signed and gotten notarized any report. How do we protect those who are vulnerable because they were brought up to be good, honest, decent people? These days when I ask that question, I’m met with this – “You don’t. You teach them to look at kindness as a weakness. You teach them they can benefit from those too stupid to protect themselves. You get what you want from who you can whenever you can.” That last part is somewhat the basis of life and society these days. It’s disgusting. Although I’m as lazy as they come (actually I’m afraid of success/failure), I am alive in a period that doesn’t match my soul. My soul strives to bring back the days of The Waltons or The Ingalls of Little House on the Prairie.

Someday, those virtues will be the basis of life again. It will be profitable to have integrity and transparency. The smoke and mirrors will be seen for what they are. I just hope that happens BEFORE we live out the movie Idiocracy.

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