Chinese Finger Trap..

**DISCLAIMER** If the title is offensive, please educate me on the name of the trinket that you get your fingers stuck if you pull, but if you push then lightly pull back you free your fingers.

If I had to attempt to explain where my own personal mental health is at, the title does it perfectly. When I’m forcing my mood, I feel empty and stuck. When I go with the flow, I’m on autopilot. Feeling nothing yet worrying about damn near everything somewhere between subconsciously and back burner. Burned out, is an understatement.

Some people would refer to this as the valley of a bipolar episode. With how over-diagnosed I’ve been at nearly every rehab facility I’ve been to, I’m not sure if that’s what this is, or depression setting in with my anxiety stealing my energy. I’m lost among the trees, and have lost the forest.

I will keep trudging on, doing the only thing I know how to do when this strikes. Putting one foot in front of the other while struggling to hold on to the motivation and drive to just go through life. Not even to live it. I’ve dropped more weight that I didn’t have to lose and people have started hinting at the fact they can tell I’m not okay. My walls are getting weaker if people can read my true feelings, seeing the mask and making aware the elephant in the room.

My weight is a favorite topic of discussion for many people who have zero right to comment on anything about me. Strangers approach me, asking if I’m abused or neglected. If I’m a drug addict (thanks random lady at the store) they need to run out of town instead of “permit” to shop at “their” store. The fact of the matter is, I gained 15 pounds after I was gravely ill with a disease they can still only chock up to something because there isn’t definitive enough data to diagnose something spot on. Last time I asked a doctor about it, they said I had an eating disorder (until my husband came in a dispelled that) and that no way could someone my age be this sickly without it being self-inflicted. They didn’t appreciate the push back, and I was dropped as a patient after asking to be switched off the antibiotic I was on for one that wouldn’t exasperate my already dreadful stomach issues.

Then a new symptom kicked off with unintentional weight-loss, night sweats. This one freaked even myself out. Cancer runs STRONG all throughout both sides of my immediate family. Do you know how difficult it is, for a sickly (I’ve been some sort of sick since 2013..thanks body!) 20-something year old to get taken seriously at a doctor’s office these days? Let me say it for those in the back, NOT EVERY 25-30 YEAR OLD IS AFTER PAIN KILLERS AND BENZOS!!! SOME OF US ARE TRUTHFULLY SICK AND WHEN WE PRESENT TO YOU WITH TANGIBLE SYMPTOMS, TAKE US SERIOUSLY!!! I know even though I want to die, I don’t want to yet. If I die, I want to die knowing I saw my family and got to tell everyone, even my Dad, that I love them. That I’m sorry for the disappointment and burden I became from 18-22 after I’d spent my entire life living up to and solidifying the trust between us. I used to live up to my potential and be the quick adapter, not after I’d been introduced to heroin. I want to be able to feel their hugs so I can call back that love and safety like the back of my hand. Know that forgiveness is the last thing between my father and I. Then I’ll be okay with dying.

I’m in a dark place, and though I may fantasize about suicide at times, let me promise you that I am in no way suicidal. I am able to cope with and combat those thoughts thanks to therapy I’ve received over the years after my attempt at 14. I’m lost in my mind’s spiral right now, but if there is one thing I know, it’s that this is a phase. A season that will pass eventually. Until then, I will call back the mantra my mom had to tell herself after she almost died.

“I was once fine. I am fine. I will be fine.”
– Mama 2020


  1. Yes! A thousand times yes! I just wrote about this myself! And what’s more,in the past I have written about–guess what–night sweats!! And yes I thought about cancer too! Let me guess-were you afraid of a cancer that begins with an “L”? I went through FOUR SOLID months of that! Piles of wet pajamas every night. I was so terrified! The doctor laughed at me! I’m sorry when you have night sweats, itchy armpit, and a hard little lump in your neck, YOU FREAK OUT! They did an ultrasound on my neck and they said it was okay but I’m going to push again in the future. No one cares about the armpit thing though. Google those three symptoms and see what comes up! It’s terrifying! I am so sorry about this crazy capital-letter-and-exclamation-point laden reply but I went through hell those months!

    I just want you to know that someone else is treated like shit by doctors too. I’m 32 and I’ve done the doctor thing for years now. It took over TEN YEARS to be diagnosed with epilepsy and Hashimoto’s disease. And I still have other mystery problems like you.

    PLEASE please please don’t feel like a burden! I understand that too and I have gone through years of depression like that myself. I found a good therapist after searching for so long who has helped me challenge my ingrained negative thought pattern. You’re not a burden. That’s the demon inside telling you that. It’s going to take a lot of work to overcome that demon but you can do it.

    Sorry again about the length of this rant but so much of it resonates with me!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Hetty. It’s a shock to see how blown to shreds Healthcare is. It’s about money and who they can capitalize off of it seems. So many young adults becoming addicted kicked off the war on opioids and if they see us coming were automatically pegged as a medseeker. It’s disgusting prejudice. I’m so glad they finally diagnosed your epilepsy! That’s extremely dangerous to go untreated. Yes the L one!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks. See I knew it was the L. For me it’s not so much the drug thing (you can see me coming from a mile away that I am ridiculously sheltered) but it’s that I’m a hypochondriac–here she comes again, she probably has a pimple and thinks it’s melanoma. In a sick way sometimes I almost want something to be wrong to prove I’m not nuts. Hmm that does sound a little nuts.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. You’re not nuts. I don’t want to say too much as this is a public forum right now, but there’s some interesting philosophies behind hypochondria. Also, anxiety can manifest through physical ailments thus validating our brain that something IS wrong. Also, it’s only fair to be concerned and adamant that we be taken seriously to KNOW something isn’t wrong vs shrugging us off and acting like we don’t know our own bodies. Especially with how much they tout every single body is different hence ALL the warnings/regulations/side effect reporting due to the difference in internal reactions. It’s a whole thing.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Hypochrondria is one of my favorite topics.. I must get to Google right away (which ironically I should not be allowed to access). In all seriousness though we just have to keep truckin’ and advocate for ourselves.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I just remembered to ask, if you don’t mind, keep us posted on the night sweats. I don’t know anyone else young with this. If I hear one more person say “oh, you’re too young for menopause” I’m going to scream.

    Liked by 1 person

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