Like the title states, it has been a while since I’ve posted anything. The truth of the matter is I’ve been struggling, and ashamed of the fact I wasn’t ok. I was ashamed that I felt like once again, I had failed at the one thing I so desperately want to share with the world. However, the one thing I want to share, is the one thing I lack. One does not exist without the other, and that is love.
Many people will tell you that you cannot love someone without loving yourself. How can one love themselves when all they’re able to say is how big of a failure ones self feels like? When every minor mistake feels like the biggest target on your back? When you know you’d walk away from the person you are because you just wouldn’t be able to handle the crushing weight of feeling like a burden. Have I done anything really to deserve such harsh criticism of myself? After reflecting for a long period, no. I haven’t. I’ve been human. Humans are not perfect. We give our best everyday and someday I really do hope I figure out how to accept that.
The biggest kick to my self-worth was being rejected by companies that offered Tele-health for mental health services. It sounds like the Goldielocks story except all 3 I tried rejected me. 1 of them was too expensive ($145/mo), one of them said they needed me to see a subspecialist and then dropped me from their care without a referral, and the other said that I wasn’t a good fit because they felt I needed more than they could offer (insomnia counts you out of a lot of services regardless of it being a symptom of depression). I felt as though I wasn’t important enough to receive care and that my inner voice had been correct. I was not worthy to receive timely care, and had let myself down waiting so long, that I felt I couldn’t wait the 4 months to get in through my insurance.
I’m grasping at life. I’m still fighting. I’m here for a reason and still have plenty left to learn or I wouldn’t be. I just hope I believe that for real someday and don’t just tell myself that to fake it til I make it. I will NOT make my family and friends feel the pain I do by taking myself out. I just want to believe in myself.