An apology fit for… Hopefully understanding..

๐˜ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ท๐˜ฆ ๐˜ง๐˜ข๐˜ช๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฆ๐˜ท๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜บ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ, ๐˜ฃ๐˜ถ๐˜ต ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฐ๐˜ด๐˜ด๐˜ช๐˜ฃ๐˜ญ๐˜บ ๐˜ธ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ด๐˜ต, ๐˜’๐˜ท๐˜ฆ ๐˜ง๐˜ข๐˜ช๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฎ๐˜บ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ง.

I never meant to on purpose. It was a road paved in golden good intentions. I swore having all of you to remain accountable to, would help keep me honest and aware but instead, I hid from you all as well. It’s been ugly and dark up there. I didn’t want to scare anyone as suicidal ideation and suicidal planning are 2 very different things. I didn’t want anyone to be worried without warranted need.

It’s been a difficult couple months. Between my home life being so stressful I want to throw myself into work, and my work needing so much more of me than anyone should be expected to offer that’s “associate level support staff”, it’s been an unbalanced and extremely depleting time.

Today my S.O. blew up. He was raging and screaming how nobody was putting his welfare first. I became hysterically upset, mostly on the inside, because I’ve done nothing but try to think of him first and make sure he’s only doing what he refused to have anyone help with. What I’ve found out however, is he desires someone to think of it prior to him and that help with the task is pointless if the person wouldn’t think of it first. I basically shut down. I was crying in anger because my brain was moving too fast to decent myself or put into words why I felt so upset. That HE was the one entitled to blowing up and that I don’t have the right to make him feel guilty for doing so. It didn’t matter how many times I told him it wasn’t directly about him, or that I wasn’t minimizing or attacking his feelings expressed during his tantrum. He felt I was just trying to guilt trip him into apologizing for something he feels is true.

My truth, the reason I was so upset, was because I couldn’t hide my reaction. I felt it had come unexpectedly because I’ve been questioning every responsibility he could pass off if all he would do is work with me on identifying the need. In the sense of NOT trying to be selfish in the moment, I didn’t want to tell him that I’d been fighting my inner voice for months now. I didn’t want or need him to challenge my feelings or put them into perspective for me. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t value what he is going through by “one-upping” his plea from earlier.

I had to run an errand and just went to pieces as I was leaving. He told me he would rather drive us and swallow the pain if I was going to be leaving. I begged him to let me drive to clear my head. That he needed to give me the space of this simple drive.ย  He eventually let me go and I thought I was going to be able to just compartmentalize everything and be the trooper I’ve been known as my entire life .

Stock photo to show example of accident #1 seen.

As I wasย  halfway to my destination I see 3 fire trucks on the opposite side of the freeway. As morbid as this sounds, nothing makes me giddier than seeing mangled metal. It could be an art medium, or a tow yard, I love seeing the beauty in the strength of survival. It’s shows me not every impact has to be ugly if you learn the right lessons from what impacted you so heavily. This accident though, this was what appeared to be a single car. As I’m still car enough away to not make anything definitive out, I remember the appreciation I felt at my vantage point not being blocked as I drove by. But let me be the first to tell you.. I wish I was lucky enough to not see the carnage. As I drove by the accident, in clear view, I saw the smoldering vehicle and 2 firemen laying sheets. It appears I drove by a “suspicious fatality”. Single car fire, vehicle burned to a crisp from the hood all the way back to a trunk that mostly had smoke damage. Then I appreciated the first responders who try their hardest to breathe life back into those of us who need it. As I drove away, the tinge of my S.O’s words rang through my head, “as long as you feel good though, right?”

I changed the song playing in my car from Bebe Rhexa’s “I’ll show you” to A Day to Remember’s “Mind-reader”. The lyrics were so ironic with what my day had become. {(I’ll link both songs below if you’d like to check them out.)} How easy life would be if only I were someone I’m not yet, but viciously trying to catch up and learn to become. A person who sees something and does something. A proactive person of action so that my husband can truly feel in his bones how much I love him. I never thought he would be deaf to my love language. How, after 9 years, have we lost the way to communicate our love for one another? This question alone cut me to my core. Shit…the light is changing, must tell the guy I’m almost to his house to pick up the thing I bought last week hoping to save my S.O’s phone from breaking when he no doubt will keep dropping it 8x and evening.. I mention the change in my route and why as I leave the gentleman’s house with my new patio pad. This will help show him right?

Stock Google photo #2 for context

I’ve seen one fatal accident, there’s no way I’ll see another… Right? I’m driving home, so stuck in my head I didn’t notice the music stopped playing, but I was suddenly snapped into the present. What am I seeing?! Why is everything just chaos and what is all of that flying…HOLY SHIT! THAT’S A CAR FLIPPING AND ALL THOSE..Wait. What is that woman thinking?! Get out of the road!? Nobody is safe yet! I’m not sure if my brain was self-preserving from understanding the gravity of what I was watching unfold, but as the car skidded on its roof into the k-rail at the exit, I saw a woman with the BRIGHTEST clothes on. Or so I thought. Now you may think or at this point actually call me crazy, but the calm and distinct direction she had with getting to the wreckage while having zero time to have pulled over and gotten out of her car, the way she glided as she made her way, how damn bright she was.. did I see an angel?? In the blink of an eye during a strong cry I was home.

I was and am a mess. Not because of just the accidents, but because I feel even more lost than when I left. It took 6 tries to get the key in the door I had been shaking so bad. All my other half could say is, “you’re home. It wasn’t you. But this knocked everything into perspective right?” It did. But it also forced me to question if I’m ever allowed to feel upset. Then the question of am I being a selfish brat wondering that? Then the gaslighting started. As I began trying to be proactive in thinking of ways to help out, I’m accused of being a smart ass. Where do I fit? Am I not supposed to feel? Am I not supposed to show my emotions but it’s fine to feel them? Who am I and why can’t I do something as simple as say what I want to eat? Why do I forget to eat? Why, even when I’m reminded, not willing to eat? I was so proud of the 12 pounds I gained…but sustaining that became so exhausting and the arguments that ensue because I can’t pick…. It’s a circle. One day I hope to figure it out. One day I hope I am confident enough to just say what I want to eat, instead of being so afraid of “getting the wrong answer”.

๊Œ—๐š˜ t๐š‘๐šŠt’๐šœ ฯ‰๐š‘ั”๐—‹ั” ๐•€’ะผ ๐šŠt…๐•€’๊’’๊’’ t๐—‹๊Œฉ t๐š˜ bั” bั”ttั”๐—‹.

5 Comments

  1. I was wondering where you’ve been. Nothing like seeing a car accident to shake us to the core.

    “my work needing so much more of me than anyone should be expected to offer thatโ€™s โ€œassociate level support staffโ€, itโ€™s been an unbalanced and extremely depleting time.” I’m going through this right now. I can’t physically do the amount of work on my desk. I even had a breakdown at work last week. Not that it changed anything lol.

    Does your SO suffer from depression or another mental illness? When I was in the worst throes of my depression, I acted a lot like him.. Expected everyone to think of me before I did, and blowing up at them if their reaction to my rage wasn’t exactly what I wanted. If I may speculate, going on what I know about myself, this is not about you but about his own emotions, that perhaps deep down he feels ashamed of… Trust me you are doing nothing wrong. You are acting the way you should, and feeling what you should. I don’t know what to suggest. I hope that somehow, some way, he is able to get help to see that his negative thought patterns are not healthy for anyone and he is depriving himself of a great relationship with YOU.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. He’s definitely in a difficult spot with stress and exhaustion. Sometimes he’ll do something about it, others he’s just complaining (like everyone in the world does). I hope I don’t break at work soon, but I can feel it on the horizon. Even the EHS dept is trying to figure out how to clearly but not directly help certain employees learn to “balance their lives better”. Cough–directed at me–cough. But God forbid on one of the days he recognizes how I make my workload easy and ask him to be accountable to the same and he’s talking like “hell is soooo cold today it’s freezing over if you think I could do that”. That’s flattering and all but show me you value it by protecting it. Not micromanaging every little move making me feel as though I’m not trusted. I’ve been holding the site together for 3 years and only now that he’s such a watchdog have I been missing my deadlines. He says it’s to push back but he never has. It’s just 15 minutes I’m delayed while he works out the where, when, why. I love this boss. He’s a close 2nd to my fav, that’s the only complaint with him I have. The rest is about the company’s hr team refusing to honor wage recommendations because the person who’s position I ABSORBED not moved into, but took on with all of my responsibility from even a 3rd leader, hasn’t worked for the VPGM so I’m not entitled to salary discussions.

      If the job market wasn’t so fucked with covid-19 and what not, I’d be creating a strategy instead of being the trooper.

      I hope you at least feel better after letting everyone know the truth? Is it as freeing as they say?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. That sounds very annoying and frustrating. I’m in a sort of administrative-HR-bend over for my boss type of job too. You are lucky you like your boss though! Half my blog is spent complaining and writing fictional stories about her. My meltdown wasn’t too epic sadly. They’re quite frequent at my workplace. Sometimes they precede walking out, so my boss is nice for like a day and then she goes right back to her usual behavior. No, a proper freak-out has to end with walking out the door. I felt a little better though, because now it’s out in the open how bad I’m drowning so they have to address it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Crazy how much we are responsible for and we aren’t the boss but we are in a sense. But we aren’t worth enough to get merit recognition and while they postpone it for bullshit placation, and we keep going thinking “any day now” and it’s the 4th time they’ve taken our responsibilities into consideration and agree they’ll get to it “by the end of the week” for months to years, covid gives them the perfect way out for however long the economy is fucked. On top of the mind fuck and stress covid already places on our lives, the work/life balance becomes even more skewed until my major run on sentence ends with them again gaslighting the issue by “reminding everyone” there’s resources to deal with work place stress because we “shouldn’t forget to prioritize ourselves and there needs to be balance and moderation for maximum performance and self care”. Insert eye roll here

      Liked by 1 person

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