Judgement

When you request honesty, I deliver. Knowing what I’ll be met with is judgement. You can tell me 100 times in a row that you’re working on changing, but the year’s responses have taught me what to expect. I may act aloof, but I’m not naive. I’ve learned to hide the true expectation of disappointment when it comes to how I’ll be treated. I’m typically hopeful I’m wrong, but can’t set myself up. I know you love me. It’s undoubtable. I’m not perfect, I’m far from it. Your truth is still truth no matter how you want to frame it. The endless record in my head of worst case scenario, the conditional love I’ve been taught to be true by everyone except for you. The truth still repeats in my head. Professional profilers all can agree that you’re unable to hide true reaction, no matter how well you can lie. I can still see the blame in your eyes. The accountability could end us if I were to be tit for tat. Life is too short for me to give all my energy to that. It’s not my choice how you love me. It’s my choice to never want to stray. Life is a fire hydrant aimed at my face, I’m not good at it. Yet you stay in place. Observing the orbit all around me. I fall yet again. It’s just another day.

5 Comments

  1. I don’t think you’re failing, judging by what you’ve written. The fact that you show so much self-awareness about what’s going on inside of you is a major step towards understanding how to control your own reactions to other people.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ɪ ғᴇᴇʟ ᴤᴛᴜᴄᴋ ɪɴ ᴀ ᴊᴏᴜʀɴᴇʏ ᴏғ ᴘʟᴀʏɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛʀᴏᴏᴘᴇʀ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴤʜᴏᴡᴤ ᴘᴇᴏᴘʟᴇ ɪᴛ ɪᴤ ᴏᴋ ᴛᴏ ᴏᴠᴇʀʟᴏᴀᴅ ᴍᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴀᴀʟʟʟ ᴛʜᴇ ᴤʜɪᴛ ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴅᴏɴ’ᴛ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴏʀ ʟᴀᴤʜ ᴏᴜᴛ/ᴘʀᴏᴊᴇᴄᴛ ᴛʜᴇɪʀ ᴅɪᴤᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ ᴀᴛ ᴍᴇ. 𝕋𝕙𝕖𝕟 𝕖𝕩𝕡𝕖𝕔𝕥 𝕚𝕥 𝕎𝕀𝕋ℍ 𝔸 𝕊𝕄𝕀𝕃𝔼! W͎e͎ a͎r͎e͎ N͎O͎T͎ r͎e͎t͎a͎i͎l͎. I͎ a͎m͎ N͎O͎T͎ t͎h͎e͎i͎r͎ w͎h͎i͎pp͎i͎n͎g͎ b͎o͎y͎. Y͎e͎t͎ a͎ w͎e͎e͎k͎ a͎f͎t͎e͎r͎ t͎h͎e͎y͎ r͎ s͎o͎ p͎r͎o͎u͎d͎ o͎f͎ m͎e͎ v͎o͎c͎a͎l͎i͎z͎i͎n͎g͎ i͎t͎, i͎t͎s͎ b͎a͎c͎k͎ t͎o͎ s͎q͎u͎a͎r͎e͎ 1

      Liked by 1 person

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